This morning, I woke up with plans to take it really easy. I've been overwhelmed, exhausted, in need of a full day to relax or finish a personal project.
My brother called, emotionally distressed. I know his life has been quite difficult and the forced isolation the world is going through is mentally overwhelming him. Right now, all I can do is keep calling him and hoping he will pick up or wait for updates from my family. Last I heard, his girlfriend was on the phone with him, calming him down. I am worried and all I can do is wait... pray... It's incredibly hard living hundreds of miles away from my family.
There isn't much I can do to change my brother's mind about the possibilities of life. I have gotten these calls many times before and they are usually triggered by his romantic troubles. I believe he has the chance for a new and different life, but he has to want that. I know the world is at an extreme halt and this is hard for people that have severe depression. What can we do to help the people that don't have access to the proper mental health care or are trapped lowest moments of their lives? I wish he knew that it isn't just him struggling, that life will always have challenges. I know he sees me doing well independently, but he doesn't see how much work I put in to get here. I have depression. I have my doubts and fears. I've had my moments of wanting it all to end. My heart has been broken by family, friends, and lovers. I have felt the loneliness he feels. Life is hard, little brother, but we have to take chances for what we truly want.
I decided to take a look at his Chiron placement in his natal birth chart: Libra in the 3rd house. He is constantly hurt by his relationships and whenever he tries to explain the pain, the meaning of his words, he feels like no one is listening. And yet... his N.Node is also in Libra, but in the 4th house. His wounds are also his life path... that is difficult. It makes me feel like we, as a family, has truly failed him. But he also needs to learn to want it and find a way to compromise with people, the world.
I love him so much. And my heart breaks constantly for him.
Update [4.29.2020 @ 9:19PM]: Later that evening, my father texted me that my brother came home safely. My brother texted me "I'm sorry" later that night. He is doing fine.
4.27.2020
4.25.2020
Day 41: Sweet Dreams of Rumination
I wish I had started this blog when the pandemic required us to stay home. It would have been a great return to publicly yet anonymously return to recording my most delicate & personal thoughts after a 10 year blog hiatus.
New is new.
My dreams have been unhinged and running rampant these days. Ok, maybe not crazy, but I'm definitely experiencing them much more frequently than before the world began to isolate. My dreams teeter between apartment anxiety and failed relationships-- which makes sense. I live alone in a teeny apartment. It can get lonely and claustrophobic at times. But I also reflect on my past living experiences and feel extremely relieved that I no longer live in some cramped Brooklyn apartment with 3-4 people with extremely limited community refrigerator space.
It's pretty typical to have apartment stress here in NYC. Everything is overpriced and of a matchbox. I have always had an obsession of looking for an apartment in a different borough in a desperation of a new scene. Brooklyn had become overly saturation with trendy millennial QTPOC whatever-- I'm just so exhausted by it. My apartment-anxiety dreams have been consistently showing me moving somewhere new will only bring me new problems while still being haunted by the old. Yesterday morning, after having a shitty dream about moving abruptly into my neighbor's 3-bedroom apartment where there was a scary elevator that would open on its on, at any given time of the day and led to nowhere-- I woke up feeling relieved I was still in my tiny sanctuary safe from the uncertain and unnecessary. It was so, so scary.
As far as people from my past popping up in my subconscious, I wonder if it was triggered by something or if those persons have me on their minds. When a person thinks about you, in depth or whatever, and they show up in your dreams, would that be considered spell work? When we talk or focus people, events, outcomes-- are we giving those things our energy? Are our thoughts and words prayers?
One of my dreams last week involved a former friend, which the length of our friendship was quite short, and it was quite romantic. I don't remember the details but I do remember we had a domestic partnership and we lived together but I was a bit more detached. Her energy was there to draw me into her and I just had my reservations and would keep my walls up. We were never romantic. Yesterday, I was looking through an old chat exchange of ours that happens to be from a couple of years ago from an overseas trip we took, when we last spoke, and I found a couple of photos she took of me. We were in a 2-bed private room hostel where our twin beds were against opposite walls, parallel from one another. The first shot was me just laying on my side scrolling through my phone and the 2nd was a close up focusing on my legs. Not that it's crazy, or invasive, but it was definitely intimate. I never knew how she felt about me, if it was romantic or not. There were times were she would drastic life suggestions that I knew she was fond of me but she also reassured me she doesn't date women under 30, and I was 28 at the time. Maybe during this pandemic, she has thought about me, and where I am. It's been 2.5 years since we last saw one another... I ghosted the relationship, but only because my anxiety would flair at the idea of contacting her. I really did like her-- I was initially drawn to her beauty and then intrigued by her bold, forward, confident attitude. I hope she is safe and well. Maybe I will see again after all this is over.
New is new.
My dreams have been unhinged and running rampant these days. Ok, maybe not crazy, but I'm definitely experiencing them much more frequently than before the world began to isolate. My dreams teeter between apartment anxiety and failed relationships-- which makes sense. I live alone in a teeny apartment. It can get lonely and claustrophobic at times. But I also reflect on my past living experiences and feel extremely relieved that I no longer live in some cramped Brooklyn apartment with 3-4 people with extremely limited community refrigerator space.
It's pretty typical to have apartment stress here in NYC. Everything is overpriced and of a matchbox. I have always had an obsession of looking for an apartment in a different borough in a desperation of a new scene. Brooklyn had become overly saturation with trendy millennial QTPOC whatever-- I'm just so exhausted by it. My apartment-anxiety dreams have been consistently showing me moving somewhere new will only bring me new problems while still being haunted by the old. Yesterday morning, after having a shitty dream about moving abruptly into my neighbor's 3-bedroom apartment where there was a scary elevator that would open on its on, at any given time of the day and led to nowhere-- I woke up feeling relieved I was still in my tiny sanctuary safe from the uncertain and unnecessary. It was so, so scary.
As far as people from my past popping up in my subconscious, I wonder if it was triggered by something or if those persons have me on their minds. When a person thinks about you, in depth or whatever, and they show up in your dreams, would that be considered spell work? When we talk or focus people, events, outcomes-- are we giving those things our energy? Are our thoughts and words prayers?
One of my dreams last week involved a former friend, which the length of our friendship was quite short, and it was quite romantic. I don't remember the details but I do remember we had a domestic partnership and we lived together but I was a bit more detached. Her energy was there to draw me into her and I just had my reservations and would keep my walls up. We were never romantic. Yesterday, I was looking through an old chat exchange of ours that happens to be from a couple of years ago from an overseas trip we took, when we last spoke, and I found a couple of photos she took of me. We were in a 2-bed private room hostel where our twin beds were against opposite walls, parallel from one another. The first shot was me just laying on my side scrolling through my phone and the 2nd was a close up focusing on my legs. Not that it's crazy, or invasive, but it was definitely intimate. I never knew how she felt about me, if it was romantic or not. There were times were she would drastic life suggestions that I knew she was fond of me but she also reassured me she doesn't date women under 30, and I was 28 at the time. Maybe during this pandemic, she has thought about me, and where I am. It's been 2.5 years since we last saw one another... I ghosted the relationship, but only because my anxiety would flair at the idea of contacting her. I really did like her-- I was initially drawn to her beauty and then intrigued by her bold, forward, confident attitude. I hope she is safe and well. Maybe I will see again after all this is over.
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